Anxiety Is Not My Friend.

Anxiety. That is all I feel right now. Eating is next to impossible, my sleep is no longer sound, and my heart aches in a way that feels like it will never heal. I like to have a plan. I need to have a plan. Infertility and pregnancy loss were never apart of that. My mind is cluttered with so many thoughts, questions, and feelings. Why did this happen again? Did I do something wrong? Will I ever be able to have children? What is our next step? Do we try again right away? Do I wait? How long do I wait? So many questions and I have no answers. The past few days have been full of tears and panic attacks. The pain comes in waves. Some are small and pass as quickly as they came and some come crashing down on me to the point where it feels like I am drowning and will never reach the surface. The surface eventually comes though and the with it the realization that eventually everything passes. 

People ask me what they can do and if I need anything. Is it wrong to say that the only thing I need is my babies that were taken from me before I was ready? I have my next doctors appointment in a week. We will check on my recovery from my D&C procedure and go over the results from the genetic testing that was done. I am eager and terrified for this appointment, I may get some answers but I fear that I will end up with more questions. 

I plan to journal this process and share my feelings. This will be real, honest, and raw. My writing may not be perfect and it may not be as smooth as it could be. But it is symbolic of my healing process and my life right now. This is a topic that can make other uncomfortable and that can seem taboo. This is our reality though and I am choosing to share it and acknowledge it rather than hide it away.